@thens Film Club

Director: Edward Bennett

***CONTAINS SPOILERS***

Who is Poirot? What is a Poirot? I had no idea. What I knew was that the Poirot dvd’s were quite popular at my video store, and the people who checked them out were older white folks who could be cross-listed as fans of Cracker, Prime Suspect, and the like.

So clearly I’ve never read any Agatha Christie. I had no idea that this mustachio-ed non-Brit has appeared in a veritable shit ton of stories. But now I know. And now I have watched a Poirot. What else is there to say.

I mean I don’t read a lot of mysteries, and I don’t watch a lot of mysteries, so I don’t know how good I am to posting this. But I suspect I am also the only one who watched it, so post I will. But whatever will I say?

First, let’s consider this: Hercule is a Belgian private detective working in London. But what is the greater mystery – the one he is hired to solve, or that of his own sexuality? According to the website Hercule Poirot Central, we are informed that while never married, the purportedly heterosexual Hercule was “passionately attached” to a certain Countess Vera Rosakoff. I do not mean to doubt that this relationship may have existed, but allow me to point out that “Countess Vera Rosakoff” is a stage name of which any drag queen could be proud.

Secondly, let me say how glad I was that characters within the story openly mocked Hercule’s mustache. Excellent work, you rich old bastards.

Thirdly, I would like to say how thrilled I was that Poirot not only solved the crime, but used a joke shop mustache and a family portrait to really spell it out for everyone. Because these xenophobes don’t believe a word you say in that “English” you’re speaking, Herc.

And speaking of the actual crime, why was everyone so terrified by the “noise of murder” when it first happened? They go up to the room and see the dead body and begin to panic, forgetting all the while of the accompanying sound, which was clearly that of a pig dying of explosive diarrhea. I was really quite preoccupied with this little fact throughout the movie. That was just piss poor detective work, I mean clearly that is your number one clue to go on, right?

In conclusion: queer text, sketchy mustachios, pork products of some kind.